Okaaaayyy...... I don't exactly know how to start or end this. Hmm... :p
Well, on September 11, 2010 my sisters and I went on a 10-day journey. Journey to the Heart, to be exact. It was one of the sweetest 10 days, and the worst 10 days!! And I will never forget it.
We spent 2 days at the Oak Brook Headquarteres preparing our hearts for the journey. One of the sessions Mr Gothard spoke on was having a clear conscience. Wait... let me back a up a few years here....... when I was about nine or ten, I did something really bad and never told mom and dad. No one saw, so I just asked for forgiveness from God, and thought it would all be over. Wrong!!
For years it tormented me. I would consciously watch what I was eating, I would do a ton of sit ups so that my stomach would stay flat. I made sure I didn't gain any weight, I had to look perfect on the outside, because if I didn't..... everyone would know that I wasn't perfect on the inside. It made me bitter towards a lot of people--including my parents. Which also made me disrespectful towards them. I had an attitude and I felt sick to my stomach when I thought about that one little sin that I just wouldn't confess!
Soooooo you can only imagine how horrible I felt the ENTIRE time Mr. Gothard was speaking on having a clear conscience!!!! It was ridiculous... why couldn't I just confess? I had a cell phone I could have just called them right them and confessed and asked forgiveness!! But my horrible self just wouldn't do it. I had given a little "ground" to Satan, and he was holding on with all his might! And I let him.
On Monday, we got our group picture taken and everyone was all excitedly getting on the bus ready to head to the beautiful North woods!!! Everyone except for me, that is. If you were to look at me, you would have probably thought I was really happy about going up there and spending hours of quiet time alone with God. I had put on a smile, made myself look happy, and talked the walk. But inside I was dreading the hours of quiet time with God because I knew that He would want me to confess my past sin to my parents. The bus ride was horrible.
So when we got there that evening, I couldn't stand it any longer!! So I asked my team leader if I could use my cell phone. (They had to take them away while we were up there so that they weren't a distraction or a competing affection) And thankfully, she said yes.
Well... it was dead. I thought, "oh, good! Now I won't have to call them!" Then God reminded me that the charger was in my purse. It took me a few times to hear Him tell me to go and get it, but I finally did plug it in. It charged for a few minutes and I ran outside to the runway to get reception. (BTW I was in my pj's and white socks:p ) So I called home and started crying right when I heard mom's voice!! *just to let you know, I do not cry! Really, ask any of my sisters. It takes a LOT to get me to cry!*
"Hello..."
"Mom? WAAAHAAA!!"
"Gianna?? Greg, she's crying! Gianna, are you okay? What happened?!!"
"I"m fine, really.... kind of, well, can you and dad please just put me on speaker phone and go somewhere to be alone?"
*talking between each other and footsteps*
"Okay, we're in the bathroom, go ahead...."
"*crying* Well, this is the hardest thing I've ever had to tell you....."
**BEEP** .....the phone died. NOoOoO!!! "Why do I have to be tormented!?!!"
I ran back into my room, plugged in the phone and waited. And waited. And waited. After what felt like an eternity, I looked down at my watch, and it was only 4-5 minutes. I didn't care. I thought, "good, this'll give me just enough time to tell them and then hang up!"
So I ran back out to the runway in my socks and tried to call again....
Well then the phone wouldn't turn on. I tried about 100,000,000 times and it wouldn't turn on. I was SO full of emotions I didn't know what to do!! Do I try again, do I just forget about it and be tormented for the rest of my life??
I help the phone up the sky, and prayed outloud, "Lord, if you want me to tell mom and dad tonight, you will turn this phone on!!" Immediately after praying, the phone lit up and turned on. Whoa! I've never had anything like that happen to me before. I knew that He wanted me to tell them. So I tried again.
*Call Failed* Satan was holding on tight! So I tried again. *Call Failed* ..."maybe, I shouldn't. It's already 11:00, mom and dad are probably really tired." But God was prompting me the whole time. Telling me the whole time to just try calling again. So I tried ONE MORE TIME. And I got through.
They answered the phone and I finally spit it all out. (Not without crying though.;)
What an amazing feeling it was to just tell them!!! How free I felt!! How happy I was!! What pure joy!! The heavy burden was gone, lifted off my shoulders! Praise God!! I had finally told them! After about 8-9 years of carrying that heavy weight, that wicked sin, that burden that Satan
loved to torment me with.... it was amazing to get rid of it!!
My dad asked how I felt and I told it was as if I could fly around the world!! And it was.
I felt as if I were weightless. I didn't know what to do with myself, so I went back to my room and thankfully my roommate wasn't in there yet because I started doing jumping jacks, push ups and a LOT of praising God!! It was amazing, and I will never forget it as long as I live!!!
What an awesome God we serve!!! The rest of the week was pretty much amazing too. I saw God work in the hearts of all the girls on my team, and I felt God working in my heart as well. He brought to light all the horrible hidden things I had in my heart that were hindering me having a close relationship with Him. Our team prayed for about 3 hours straight one night, and it was incredible!! We were all on our knees crying out to God for our brothers to grow into Godly young men that would follow Him no matter what, we were praying for one another, we were asking God for forgiveness, and we were all crying like babies. But it was worth it. That amazing joy that floods your spirit and soul, that amazing forgiveness, mercy and love that our Lord and Saviour gave us afterwards was all worth it!!!
I had such sweet quiet times with God while we were up there in the Northwoods, and I am SO thankful for it!!
Soooo..... if by some chance someone reads this, and you have not yet been on a Journey to the Heart, I STRONGLY encourage you to do so!! It could change you life.
~Praise God from Whom all blessings flow! Praise Him all creatures here below! Praise Him above ye, Heavenly Host! Praise Father, Son and Holy Ghost!!~
